solitude/healing/etc.

i am so tired.
my body is weak, and my brain is fried. today has been interesting.
but i'm sitting here curled up in my bed tonight, and in the stillness of this moment, in the quiet.... i hear God's speaking voice. His soft, gentle, beautiful voice.
oh, but first, i have a confession:
i am really self centered. well, at least i have been, lately. and here is why: the idea of being alone scares me. the idea of being still, and quiet, and not busy; scares me. since this journey has begun, i have been trying to fill every moment with an activity, project, or "coffee date". i think all of these things on my to-do list are worthwhile, don't get me wrong. but just simply crossing written words off a list still isn't satisfying me. my self-planned pity parties aren't helping either. and the amount of ice cream i'm eating is getting disgusting. i keep getting discouraged because i thought all of these things were supposed to help?! hmm....

i'm hearing Yeshua speak, and He is telling me not only to slow down, but to look into His beautiful face for my contentment. Oh, how He loves me, and so often i forget. if i could just get a taste of the love He has for me, i would never be the same. it's so infinite!
-sigh- i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm learning. i am learning slowly that even though i really don't like being stuck at home alone all summer, there is purpose behind it. i think God is trying to strip me of my selfishness and humble me. and i'm ready to be broken before the Father -- i believe that is where my true healing will begin.
so, dear friend,
remember "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). i will try to remember this too.

goodnight,

Court